a Special Debate #2

This weekend my husband got distracted by a billboard depicting a woman’s naked back, shoulders and arms.  As a woman, my senses went on high alert.  Immediately I was offended and comparing myself.  Not even at a conscious level to begin with.  But, I soon became aware of why I was so edgy, especially as we walked around other “more” beautiful women.  

My husband is a normal guy - and has had his fair share of struggles here - but he is truly amazing to me when it comes to guarding himself, his eyes and his thought life.  The area of women and lust is a whole new one for me, and my understanding of the male psyche is still very limited. But, my husband goes out of his way to make it clear to me that he only has eyes for me, something I dearly love about him.  

The down side to all this is that when my husband is angry, upset, stressed or distracted, with me or otherwise, his guard slips.  He can send a zinger my way with one stray look.  My heart, my self-esteem, my confidence, even my gentleness deflates and gets sliced in two.  

Asking myself “why” led me to this: I want to be special in my husband’s eyes.  I want to feel that to him I am the most beautiful.  Which in turn often leads me to this: Am I more attractive than her?  What is her best feature and how to I compare?  What drew his attention, do I have that?  How do I make myself into that?  

So this is it.  I want to be special - to someone.  But, if I was okay with not being special - okay with not being as attractive, as alluring, as head-turning - would I still be okay?  If my place in this world is not as one who is special, would it be so offensive or deflating when someone else “more” special (in this case, attractive) walks by?  

If it’s not my place to be special, but it is my place to be one who is loved, might I just maybe find that I am at peace with myself?  If I accepted my place as a normal, non-uniquely beautiful, but loved woman, would it be less intimidating to pass billboards? Might I get my feelings hurt less often?  

Maybe it boils down to this; if I am okay with not being special, then perhaps I will be less consumed with myself and more available to love others.  Primarily my husband.  And, perhaps to other women who struggle too.

mother-In-Law

In talking with my hubby recently about our first several years of marriage, we began to realize something... his mother taught him well, as a mom she was one-of-a-kind, devoted, loyal, zany, passionate and godly.  But, when it came to her boys getting married she did one thing that wasn’t so smart.  She started in on me, “teaching” me how to love her son. 

My husband said to me, “in her defense, Lins, that was her world, taking care of her man.”  Sure.  I buy that.  I can respect that.  But one main point here, she wasn’t MY mom.  In fact, she was very different from my mom.  And the way she wanted me to behave was a total paradigm shift from the way my mom raised me. 

In fact, instead of taking time to teach her son how to love his wife and encouraging him in ways that could have fostered more understanding between her son and I, taking his defense and trying to train me in her methods of loving men only increased tensions between all three of us. 

Now, in fairness, her heart was pure and she truly loved me and she did a great job in making sure I knew her love.  My husband was right in defending her.  She did the best she could with what she knew.  The motives were great... just the method was rather off and the results falling short. 

Lesson for my hubby and I?  As the mom of two sons (so, Lord willing, a future mother-in-law to their wives), my focus needs to be on encouraging my sons in selfless love for their wives.  Here I lay down in black and white my naive vow *not to give advice unless asked (and even then to do so with utmost caution), *not to assume I’m needed, *to praise my future daughters-in-law methods of loving my sons, and, *to encourage my sons to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their wives - which in most cases will likely mean not doing things my way.  I should probably put down something about never criticizing too... but those words elude me tonight. 

To round off these thoughts, my husband didn’t hesitate to agree.  Saying, “I do wish my mom had taught me more about women and how to love a wife.”  While remaining a loyal and respectful son, he says his goal is to excel in setting an example for his boys while doing his best to train his daughter in ways to respect her future husband.

*These are totally naive vows, and will likely get revised multiple times, especially once I am in the midst of being a mother-in-law... 

what Is Your Religion?

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~ James 1:27

Hmm. I don't know any orphans that need looking after currently.  Nor do I know any widows who are not already very well cared for.  If I take into account the things that I spend time worrying about, I'd have to admit that I just might be polluted by the world. 

I think some changes need to be made in my life...

you Know You Are Tired When...

  You're making instant coffee and you pour boiling water into the coffee tin instead of into your mug! 

Short Cut #1

How to cut in butter effortlessly and quickly:

Kitchen aid mixer!!  Makes a mess if you turn it on too high, but watch out butter - cause you're about to be cut in K-beater style!

a Special Debate #1

Just for controversial sake, what if I throw out there that none of us are special?

Perhaps we can be special to someone, for a while.  Perhaps we can do something special.  But can we truly be special, in and of ourselves, just by ourselves? 

Again, just for controversial sake, what if I throw out there that the saying, “God made you special, and He loves you very much,” is untrue? 

What if God just made us?  And what if He just loves us?  Do we have to be special to be loved?  Does being loved and being special mean the same thing? 

And, if all of us or just a few of us are special, can that be taken away? What about the fairness of being special?  For one to be special, another has to be ordinary - as indicated by the meaning of the word, “special.” 

Well, what about the saying, “We are all special in our own unique ways.”?  Playing devil’s advocate here; How does that work?  Are we all ordinarily unique?  How is that special?

Summer?? No, just the wet (as oposed to the "really" wet) season.

Summer in the NW is a unique experience. Here are 10 things that summer in the NW gives you which summer in the Mid-West (or any other sunny state) cannot...

1. No need to pull out the summer wardrobe, just keep a couple tanks and pair of shorts in the back of your dresser drawer for the occasional "hot" days

2. No painful sun burns

3. Save money on sprinklers and water toys - just wear your swim suite out doors and you'll find water to splash in, likely falling from the sky.

4. Those amazing jeans that make your butt look fantastic can be worn all summer long!

5. You never have to shave your legs if you really don't want to.  In fact, you may not want to, as here, they will be so white that you'll scare yourself w/o some hair on them...

6.  Sandals are an invention of the native NWerners... why wear soggy shoes when you can let the wetness flow freely? And they can be worn for ALL occasions, even with socks... wet or dry, sandals allow for the truely water-logged feeling.

7. No need to own or borrow a boat, I'm pretty sure you can try water skiing behind your vehicle on these roads...

8. NWerners are so ready for the rain that all the pools are indoors!  No need to slather with greasy sunscreen before taking that dip. 

9. You car gets washed naturally if you leave it in the driveway... several times a day, actually. 

10. You can really go all-natural and get a good shower while participating in outdoor activities such as hiking, camping, biking... the fun doesn't stop out here just because of the rain!  Think of what we all save on our water bill.

the Centered Woman

Life has been a lot crazy.  As a mommy of 3 precious kids, a wife of a traveling businessman, the daughter of two parents, a parent-in-law and a new step-parent-in-law, a sister to many (both mine and in-laws), a granddaughter, a cousin, and a friend the demands have been many and some pretty intense.  My time seems to vanish before I can turn in a full circle, and at the end of the day I feel spent.

Lately all that has been going on has overshadowed my time alone.  The time when all is quiet, except maybe the dishwasher or washing machine, and I can breathe.  I can think.  I can dream.  I can listen to God.  I can pray.  I can breathe.  When this time is secured in my daily routine I am a content woman, my children are more peaceful, my husband more satisfied, my parents, in-laws, steps, grands, siblings, cousins, friends, all feel less like responsibilities and more like blessings they are.

When this time disappears I start to pull apart at the seems and my skin slowly unravels.  I am prone to playing the comparison game - a deadly, mean and hopeless game that never leaves me unmarred.    I get cranky and impatient.  Guilt overpowers and grace is a ghost in our house.

Two things have the power to overcome this in my life.  The first, other women.  Other mommies who are like-minded and willing to be honest.  Laughter and the reassuring notion that I'm not alone can be miraculous meds.  The second, is discovering that time with God is not imprisoned in time alone, or times of quite, and peace is not a clean house and behaved or napping children.

This became a reality for me when, after a few brief moments of quiet where I had been glancing through a magazine and feeling the weight of how I was so far from measuring up in the eyes of the world represented in those pages, I started to mire down and feel desperate.  I started crying out for help. And, as I started to reflect on the qualities I so desperately need from God, His grace, His mercy, His healing, His gentleness, His faithfulness, His justice, His help...  turned into 3 minutes of thanking Him for who He is.  In that 3 minutes, I was transformed.  I found a little boost of energy.  I found a tiny oasis of patients, even joy, and most needed - self-acceptance.  

In the midst of my personal corner of chaos I have been discovering that I can have a small stream of peace, as I learn how to remember who God is.  As my pleas for help and sanity turn to silent thoughts of thankfulness, I find what I need to get through my day without unraveling.  My life right now is not conducive to getting alone time everyday.  Nor do I have the energy to fight that.  My days for being alone will come all too soon.  But right now I'm learning that time alone isn't as important as time with God.  And time with God is not dependent on my being alone, but just on my willingness to remember Him, to think about Who He is. 

a Little Fuss, a Little Turtle, a BIG Brownie

My day started at 4am... breakfast with hubby/daddy at the airport, a trip to the grocery store at 6am, followed by a chorus of childish voices in melt-down mode when news of changed plans reached little ears...  (I was wishing I could join in too)...

Improvements were made when special guests arrived and made a dangerously dull day fun... but a fussy baby couldn't decide if he wanted to eat, not eat, be held, be put down, play, cuddle, nap, giggle??  We progressed to what was going to be quiet time which quickly turned into more melting down closely followed by a supper of mac&cheese with frozen peas and corn (to cool the mac&cheese, of course), washed down with 3 pieces of birthday candy and a quick trip to the store to pick up a much needed $2 item.  (this, of course, clued me into the fact that next time - the $2 item can WAIT!)

PJ's on, prayers said, big kids in bed... diaper changed, hall walked, baby still awake...  panicked yells of "A turtle is MISSING!"  echo down the stairs.  Yes, yes.  Of course a turtle would be missing right now. And, oh, didn't I hear a mysterious scratching the other night??  Could it be??  A little shove and a little heave-ho revealed a very lethargic and very dry turtle behind my night stand.  3 doors down from the kids' room, where it's tank resides... Sure, why not?

Everyone settle in their bed or tank... including Baby Fuss.  My turn to eat supper, right?  Nope.  A fuse has got to blow... and not just a nice friendly reachable fuse... nope.  A buried one - one I cannot reach.  Well, I cannot microwave the veggies I planned on eating, why not make myself a batch of triple chunk dark chocolate brownies??  The oven still works!

Ahh, but even that plan is foiled by my wonderful brother-in-law, who graciously drives all the way over here to dig out that unfriendly fuse, thus allowing me my veggies.  By now it is not only past supper time, but also past my bed time, and oh, whoops!! WE HAVE A PUPPY!  Right!  He should probably bed fed?  And now it's off to bed... oh, but wait, I did make those brownies... and forgot them on top of the stove.

Now I MUST be tired... I cannot remember the last time I have ever forgotten a batch of brownies - especially ones I myself have made.  Two big ones get piled onto a plate and up the stairs to bed my brownies and I go.

The best part is... I now sit in my bed typing and my brownies?  They have been forgotten yet again, sitting on the sink where I set them in order to brush my teeth.  It has just been that kinda day.

grace And Peace

We have lost our tiny baby.

We're all pretty emotional. The big kids knew and were excited, hoping for a baby sister.  Bryce is heart broken.  I am sad and unexpectedly battling feelings of guilt and disappointment.  All four of us have wanted extra cuddles with Joshua, who, in the midst of all of this, has remained blithely unaware and generously handed out smiles, if not the cuddles we seek.

As we were not yet setting our hopes on adding a 4th family member it seems more of a shock.  But if anything good has come from this, one thing is clear:  How much the five of us love each other, and how good it is to be together.  We have grace and we have peace.

8 Weeks

Have you ever experienced loosing something you didn't even know you wanted?

Just four weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant.  It was an incredible discovery, as we were not trying for another baby, and quite the opposite in fact.  June 1st my husband's insurance was going to kick in and I was planning on getting an IUD.  Just 8 months ago I gave birth to our third child, and have been so thoroughly enjoying the relaxed pace of just one baby that the idea of a fourth so suddenly spun me for a loop. 

Now though, as I wait to find out if I am indeed loosing this pregnancy, I realize just how much I want it. Funny, isn't it?  It takes loosing something, or the very real possibility of loosing something, to grasp the value of it.

I have also been confronted with just how "in-the-moment" I tend to live - and how those moments are measured in my limited understanding.  The thought of what chaos would ensue with a 4th only 16 months younger than my 3rd has me packing my bags for the loony bin!  But my amazing Grandparents enthusiastically, and lovingly challenged that perspective with the reminder that the hard part only lasts a moment, "You'll turn around three times, Lins, and they'll be grown and gone and you'll be wishing they weren't.  Honey, this is really great news!"

They reminded me that I could never regret having a baby, for that person he or she will grow to be.  A lot of other things I could regret, but the hard work, and self-sacrifice it takes to raise a baby are never things regrets are born of. 

So, little one who is yet to be known, if you are coming into this world in a few months, I can't wait!  And, if by chance you're not, I'll miss you and am deeply grateful for your brief presence in my life.

a Happy Anniversary

Nine years ago today I walked down the isle in a small church, totally naive and gloriously happy.  The women most important in my life proceeding me up to the front, the man I love waiting for me, my Dad walking beside me... how little I knew!! 

Looking ahead, I did not envision my life as it is today.  Nope.  I had a much different picture in mind then.  I did not envision the hard knocks, lean times, aches, pains, betrayals, disappointments, illnesses, departures, challenges, or dailiness.  My view back then was all sunshine and warm fuzzies... with a dash of "reality" just for good measure.  There are so many thing I would do differently if I could go back in time.  I do have regrets.  Memories that are haunting, too.  Taking two separate human beings and uniting them under one roof is NOT a piece of cake.  At least, we are not innately skilled at it.

Let me see... In 9 years we have moved 9 times, including across the country, have 3 kids and another one on the way, visited 6 countries and nearly all 50 states, been through 7 jobs (if you count returning to an old one as a new job), had 5 cars, seen one parent leave for Heaven, walked through 2 major illnesses, been in the best and worst church situations, and faced a multitude of pressures beyond bearing.  In the midst of all of this we have become very skilled at finding the not-so-good ways of coping...

But, then again, we have experienced some amazing life together too.  For all the negative aspects, there are several positives; memories that still make me smile, and even laugh out loud, I can pack a house while great with child like a pro, our kids have seen some incredible parts of this country they live in and tell stories of our travels together with glee in their little eyes, my husband and I have collected a myriad of inside jokes which outsiders can only roll their eyes at, we have no fear of hopping in the car and taking off to who-knows-where! We know how to make each other laugh, cry, and keep each other sane.  We are rarely without something to talk about, and the best part of the day for both of us is falling asleep beside each other. 

There are things I would do differently, and regrets for sure - but I don't know that I would go back if I could.  After all, the mistakes and regrets have shaped me anew, mellowed me, tempered me, deepened me... the marriage we have now has come out of well worn trials and failures, we've learned the not-so-good ways, but they have especially helped us narrow down the Perfect ways.  Give us another 9 years together and we'll be humming like a well oiled machine no matter how many more moves, jobs, cars, kids or changed plans.  Reality may be more than a "thrown in for good measure" now, but I am still gloriously happy to be married to this man 9 years later.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~ Romans 15:13

happy Disaster

Tonight was Bryce's first night home after a new job... well his old job, actually (but that is a different story).  I had plans.  Glorious plans!  On the menu: Welsh Rarebit, Chili Relleno, homemade tortillas and milkshakes.  The house: Cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, beds made, candles lit & music playing before he walked in the door.

The day went as usual, except more chaotic, and I can't exactly say what happened... but the kids did get fed, that I know because of the state of the kitchen.  The baby is teething and I think he's going through a growth spurt too, because he didn't want to be set down for even the smallest blink of time.  Needless to say, I can be proud that I got everyone's bed made.

Dinner time came, and halfway through preparations I realized a few key ingredients missing.  A phone call from Bryce gave me the opportunity to ask him to drop by the store on the way home.  However, his day was so much on his mind that he completely misheard my request and came home with an item so odd that I am still working out what I can do with it.

Three trips to the store later... And, 8:30pm, my children are eating supper.  Loving every bite, asking for seconds.  My husband, tired and in need of a break is also loving his appetizers.  Success!  Albit, late.  And, for what it's worth, the late hour alowed us a quiet supper just the two of us... no mater that it was at 9:15pm, and a baby was joining in...  Happy ending!