the Centered Woman

Life has been a lot crazy.  As a mommy of 3 precious kids, a wife of a traveling businessman, the daughter of two parents, a parent-in-law and a new step-parent-in-law, a sister to many (both mine and in-laws), a granddaughter, a cousin, and a friend the demands have been many and some pretty intense.  My time seems to vanish before I can turn in a full circle, and at the end of the day I feel spent.

Lately all that has been going on has overshadowed my time alone.  The time when all is quiet, except maybe the dishwasher or washing machine, and I can breathe.  I can think.  I can dream.  I can listen to God.  I can pray.  I can breathe.  When this time is secured in my daily routine I am a content woman, my children are more peaceful, my husband more satisfied, my parents, in-laws, steps, grands, siblings, cousins, friends, all feel less like responsibilities and more like blessings they are.

When this time disappears I start to pull apart at the seems and my skin slowly unravels.  I am prone to playing the comparison game - a deadly, mean and hopeless game that never leaves me unmarred.    I get cranky and impatient.  Guilt overpowers and grace is a ghost in our house.

Two things have the power to overcome this in my life.  The first, other women.  Other mommies who are like-minded and willing to be honest.  Laughter and the reassuring notion that I'm not alone can be miraculous meds.  The second, is discovering that time with God is not imprisoned in time alone, or times of quite, and peace is not a clean house and behaved or napping children.

This became a reality for me when, after a few brief moments of quiet where I had been glancing through a magazine and feeling the weight of how I was so far from measuring up in the eyes of the world represented in those pages, I started to mire down and feel desperate.  I started crying out for help. And, as I started to reflect on the qualities I so desperately need from God, His grace, His mercy, His healing, His gentleness, His faithfulness, His justice, His help...  turned into 3 minutes of thanking Him for who He is.  In that 3 minutes, I was transformed.  I found a little boost of energy.  I found a tiny oasis of patients, even joy, and most needed - self-acceptance.  

In the midst of my personal corner of chaos I have been discovering that I can have a small stream of peace, as I learn how to remember who God is.  As my pleas for help and sanity turn to silent thoughts of thankfulness, I find what I need to get through my day without unraveling.  My life right now is not conducive to getting alone time everyday.  Nor do I have the energy to fight that.  My days for being alone will come all too soon.  But right now I'm learning that time alone isn't as important as time with God.  And time with God is not dependent on my being alone, but just on my willingness to remember Him, to think about Who He is.